Wenlock and Mandeville…Our Olympic Mascots (honestly)

I’m not an overly patriotic kind of guy. I love Great Britain, I really do. The countryside is magnificent, but not too magnificent that it kills you randomly. Our animals are pretty cool, too. No poisonous spiders and only one poisonous snake who isn’t that hard. Our pubs are the best in the world, and we sell the best beer, without a shadow of a doubt.

As much as I love it – and never want to leave it – I can’t help feel that we’re all…just a little bit shit.

Bumbling idiots are what we’re known as, to the rest of the world. Lovable, bumbling, floppy-haired pricks, or football hooligans. At least the hooligans have a bit of backbone….well, when they’re in groups of fifty or more, kicking groups of five or less. We are in danger of becoming jokes to the world, and I think it’s going to get a lot worse when we fuck up the Olympics.

It may sound like I’m in a bad mood, and that’s because I am. And I’ll tell you why. Today, as I write this, the Olympic mascots were revealed.

I can’t even bring myself to describe them, and as a picture is worth a thousand words, I’ll just hit you with it:

Actually, it’s a lot easier to just stick up a picture rather than write, so rather than write about what I think about the mascots that are gonna be on TV every f***ing five minutes over the next two f***ing years, why don’t I just use another picture.

Nice one, Fido. You summed it up nicely.

Yes, you’re right, Wenlock does look like a cock wearing a French Tickler. Yes, you’re right, Mandeville does look like he’s pissed himself. Yes you’re right, they’re f**king awful.

I know some people would have slagged off the mascots regardless, but surely we could have captilised on our rich history. I would like to see a cuddly Henry VIII as our mascot, beheading any underperforming female athletes. Or maybe we could have used what Fido is producing. After all, our streets are covered in it. So what have we got? Wenlock and Mandeville were…I can’t believe I’m writing this…were bits of molten steel that dropped off the last girder used to construct the Olympic stadium. The bloke supervising the project took them home and they came to life by magic and made their way to London for the games, having adventures…?

Considering the time and money that was spent on these wonderful little guys, not to mention that these were the best little guys that Brtitain’s best talent could come up with, I think that if I met Wenlock and Mandeville I would throw up.

And, do you know what? Stomach acid is strong enough to corrode steel. I’d throw up on them and watch them f***ing burn!

I have to finish on a high. Fantasising about throwing up on mascots to ensure their death is a little weird, even for me. Once upon a time, we did things right. Once upon a time, we took an English institution, we gave him a microphone and we let him freestyle…it was what he was born to do. JOHN BARNES FOR OLYMPIC MASCOT!

Who or what would you pick as our Olympic mascot?