I was chewing the fat today, at work, and it dawned on me that there are no heroes left in the world. I am not talking about real life here; I am talking about the manly men from the moving pictures who every teenage boy aspired to be. Mighty handguns, mighty hair-dos, and even mightier biceps took the world of the evil mastermind by storm. Kicking ass whilst making them feel self-conscious with snappy, witty one-liners, and often nailing their girlfriends at the end, as the credits rolled.
Up until the millennium, there had always been a great man to look up to. A man who beat up the bad guys and then bagged the women. A man who would confront danger no matter what the circumstances. A man who was scared of nothing. A man who didn’t feel any emotion except the manliest of all emotions: rage (this was only exhibited once per film, and took place after shooting of a partner, family relative, or pet).
Think about it…
Pre-’50s: Humphrey Boghart, Errol Flynn, Clark Gable,
The ’50s: Charlton Heston, John Wayne, James Dean
The ’60s: Kirk Douglas, Marlon Brando, Sean Connery, Steve McQueen
The ’70s: Bruce Lee, Charles Bronson, Clint Eastwood, Roger Moore, Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Chuck Norris
The ’80s: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Jean-Claude Van-Damme, Carl Weathers, Sly Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Harrison Ford, Burt Reynolds, Danny Glover, Jackie Chan
The ’90s: Mel Gibson, Wesley Snipes, Stephen Segal, Denzel Washington, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Jet Li, Bruce Cambell
Now that list is nowhere near extensive, and I’d be interested in the heroes you miss, if any, or any disagreements you have with my chosen few. Christopher Lambert was omitted due to Knight Moves and Highlander 2, 3 and 4.
So, yeah, everything was pretty cool, pretty damn macho. So what about today…
The noughties: Erm… OK, you’ve got Clooney and Pitt, but these guys produced their manliest performances in the nineties (Fight Club: ’99 and Dusk Til Dawn: ’95), plus how many red-blooded males give a fuck about Benjamin’s fucking Button. Who else then?
Who else?
Anyone?
I don’t think there is anyone left. The Rock had a good go, but fell short, and look what they did to Bond… At the end of Casino Royale, Bond is rehabilitating in a wheel chair, with an old person’s blanket over his knees keeping him warm. I don’t want to watch that. Bond doesn’t do that! At the end of Moonraker (stay with me, I know it was shite), we had Roger Moore flying back from the moon, shagging a hottie called Holly Goodhead (seriously) and minister of Defence, Frederick Gray asks “What is Bond doing?” and Q replies, “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.”
That is what I want a hero to do. I don’t want a hero to remind me of Thora Hird.
1979
2006
It isn’t just Bond. It is everything on the bloody moving pictures. We have had rootin’-tootin’ Westerns from the ’20s all the way through to the ’90s. A Fistful of Dollars, Tombstone, The Man who Shot Liberty Valance, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Unforgiven are all brilliant! Why can’t we have one for the noughties. Why? Where did Brokeback Mountain come from? I’d like to have been a fly-on-the-wall when the story board was written.
“OK, how about a Western?”
“Yeah, I love cowboy films! We gotta have one of them bar brawls. You know, the ones with where people smash each other over the heads with whisky bottles, whilst chicks do the cancan.”
“That’s sort of been done before, though.”
“OK, well how about a big shoot out with a load of Native Americans. We can get a big ring of wagons, it will be brilliant!”
“Too cliched.”
“So what’s your big idea, then?”
“I was thinking, we get two cowboys…”
“I like it.”
“They get on really well.”
“Well, yeah, there’s a lot of camaraderie with the ol’ cowboys.”
“That’s what I thought. How about they have so much camaraderie, that instead of going out shooting Native Americans, bedding local prostitutes, and hitting other cowboys with whisky bottles, they end up bumming in a tent?”
“Sounds great; endings a bit weird though.”
“To be honest, the tent-bumming will pretty much be the entire film?”
“Go on then, let’s go for it. At least it will be better than Highlander 2.”
Before you send a letter of complaint, here me out. I have no problem with Brokeback Mountain. I know there’s a lot more to it; I am just being a cock, and I am still finding ways of fooling my Dad into watching it (not sure if that was a justification, or not?). My problem is with the films that haven’t been made.
Why can’t we have some of the heroes back? Why do they have to have emotions? Why do they have to be realistic? If I wanted realism, I’d go to the supermarket and wait behind pensioners who leave their shopping trolleys in the middle of the aisles and discuss rubbish. That is realism. That is my life. I queue in traffic. I spent nearly £300 on fucking taps last year for my kitchen and bathroom. I don’t want to spend £6 to go to the cinema and watch some other twat buy taps, do I? For 90-120 minutes, I want to live my life through a hero. I don’t want to feel his pain, or his weakness. There is enough of that in everyday life.
I want justified violence
I want easy buxom beauties
I want car chases
I want rocket launchers
I want one-liners
I WANT OUR ACTION HEROES BACK!!
Fuckin A! Most notable exception to the list of the 80′s is Kurt Russell! Who can forget him from Tango & Cash (coupled with Sly Stallone for the interesting twist of “Clean” Cop / “Dirty” Cop) and Big Trouble In Little China!!
But I know exactly what you mean mate – was only watching Dirty Harry the other day and loved it! Some awesome lines, witty dialogue and good old bits of violence!
A few have tried to bring that style of film back though – Quentin’s Deathproof and Rodriguez’s Planet Terror are all good, and the fictional trailer for “Machete” was all brilliant. Take a search for “Black Dynamite” as well…
Maybe there’s a gap in the film market mate – any good at writing and filming??
Pingback: The Blog of Mark Jackman, Author, Hunk, Sportsman, Musician …
The name’s Plissken
Snake Plissken
I feel bad missing Kurt out.
There is a gap in the market, but it is such a gamble because people are so scared of making something cheesy, and that is the danger. I remember watching Blade back in ’99(?) and loving every second of it. The bit where he catches the shades and the music kicks in is awesome, and I have never been so fired up… and do you know what? There were groans in the audience. It was the university cinema. F**king students.
Jock, you should include 80’s cartoon heroes on your list. I mean, look at HE-MAN, good looking man, chiselled jaw and well developed ab’s ( a heterosexual observation), but when trouble came to town, he sorted it with a fu*k off sword and big right hand!! Then he justified it with moral shit at the end, just to let the kids know, that was the way to handle wankers who steal mobile phones!! (Rage building…….GRRR…….. CAN’T STOP THE AGGRESSION TOWARDS THEIVING C**TS!!)
Eh? When did Orco ever steal Rammer-man’s phone?
Rammer-man? Was’nt that Ramman? Orco was known for sticking things in his naught though……..
Hahaha – Was never much of a fan of He-Man. Although I did watch the cartoons and the later New Adventures of He-Man set in the future or something – Can’t remember much.
Was always more of a GI Joe kid myself. It’s strange when I look back – me and my brother as kids used to watch GI Joe and get all the figures with guns and stuff and cars with huge missiles and stuff and fight each other. Also remember watching a cartoon that had dinosaurs in the future where the humans attached armour plates and huge lasers to them. Not once now have I felt the need to resort to gun crime… (or attach metal plates and guns to any form of animal for that matter). What the fuck do kids these days watch to grow up shooting stuff?
Sorry – slightly off topic I admit, but “the kids aren’t alright..”
Dinoriders! They were awesome.
And although I haven’t had to resort to guncrime, I have always wanted to strap armour and guns to animals.
“What the fuck do kids these days watch to grow up shooting stuff?”
Don’t they usually watch their dads shooting stuff, first?
I do think the writers of cartoons have issues. Take He-man for example; Skeletor has a bird called evil lyn?…..Evil Lyn?!……. he must have had a bad experience with a lass from Essex. Otherwise why call a bad guy (girl) Lyn? I mean, fu*k sake “here comes Lyn!! Oh no, its…erm….ah Lyn……” not very scary. Saying that, those Essex girls can probably down more ale then Jock, and they like strapping things on as well (just like them their ‘dinoriders’), only Windsor could like that! (scary)