“You could be at risk of death,” was the terrifying statement delivered by Penelope Posington-Smythe, today. Journalists were left in tears after details of the comprehensive afternoon’s study at Cambridge University’s open coffee morning were revealed.
Posington-Smythe said, “Most Britons don’t even know they’re at risk. Who’d have thought the American woman who got her face and hands eaten by a chimp, and survived, turned out to be one of the lucky ones?”
Cancer not as big a risk as dying.
“Fatty foods, smoking, drinking and our husbands going bareback on Zambian prostitutes whilst on conferences in filthy European cities are no longer middle-class England’s greatest threats to life. Dying is the biggest cause of death.”
“Our group was horrified by the results,” added Posington-Smythe. “It was akin to discovering a meteor on a collision course with Earth, or a black family moving in to the village. We’re still not sure which demographics are most at risk from death, but we expect DRG (death-related-gossip) in middle-aged, bored housewives to skyrocket.”
Posington-Smythe is keen to back up her group’s epoch-changing research by securing airtime on ITV’s Daybreak and Loose Women. “People could be dying today, and they could be dying tomorrow. We don’t know how many people have died because of death. If people don’t know about death’s symptoms, there’s a good chance they’ll end up dead.”
Dr. Hilary Jones is due to prepare a pamphlet, later today.
Bit of a tribute to The Daily Mash as well as the beautiful Dr. Hilary Jones.