Manrage (noun). Definition: Irrational anger, resulting in damage to one’s self, possessions, surroundings or dignity. Manrage is induced by testosterone, alcohol, clumsiness, stupidity, or a combination of all four. Manrage only results in amusing anecdotes. Manrage does not cause pensioners to be kicked half to death for cutting people up on roundabouts. That is caused by pricks.
MANRAGE. We all get it. Well, all men do. Even if you only have a millilitre of testosterone pumping through your bloodstream, even if your gay mates shun you because you are just too camp, you will suffer from Manrage at one time in your life. Even Gok Wan will suffer from Manrage, at least once.
Maybe not.
Why bring it up now? What have I smashed up, you ask? Well n’owt actually. In fact, I suffer from Manrage less than most. The main character in The Sid Tillsley Chronicles, who also happens to be called Sid Tillsley, suffers from a lot of Manrage, usually brought on by Gok Wan style characters. I was recently writing a scene where he was suffering from the affliction, and decided to write a blog thing about it.
No good ever comes from Manrage. You never feel better afterwards and normally have to pick up the pieces. I only suffer from Manrage when performing DIY. DIY stands for do-it yourself, my American chums, but is also another term for a gentleman’s much-needed masturbation during a ladies’ pregnancy, when she is selfish, doesn’t put out and forgets about her loved one. Shocking isn’t it? Just to clarify I suffer from Manrage when I perform DIY in the traditional sense of the word; I am not an angry wanker. Where was I? Can’t remember.
I have heard some great stories of Manrage (mostly by the same person, to be honest), including smashing a lunchbox to smithereens because his sandwiches didn’t fit, attacking a German in Disneyworld because he pushed in the queue to meet Mickey Mouse, thowing a sledgehammer to the bottom of the sea, punching a dead bunny because it wouldn’t fit into a box, and the weirdest one of all: continuously opening and shutting a door really, really hard (???).
Manrage has been laughed at for years, and some Great British comedies have taken the piss out of it:
Fawlty Towers:
I’m Alan Partridge:
Have you suffered from Manrage? Have you witnessed it? Do you know how to control it? Come and tell us all about it, remembering that Manrage deals with comedy, no tradegy please! There’s plenty of other places for that.
Jacko
OMG, you are too funny! I have suffered at the hands of a guy with Manrage ….. up until my PMS kicked in! Don’t screw with a woman. Now wait ….. that didn’t come out right!
Most of my readers have never screwed a woman, Val.
I am that man, I will admit.
Anyway that sledgehammer deserved to be chucked overboard, It broke my finger..
The wife has me trying to control my manrage, but it’s what seperates us from the fairer sex isn’t it?
Women need a hormonal inbalance to blame their rage on, we just love accept and revel in our’s
Manrage is more than just a state of mind.. (that would make a such a great advertising line..)
OMG Jacko! How did I KNOW you were going to say that? LOL And Dave, I agree, that would be an outstanding slogan …… hurry, go copyright it!
Shaun Manrage Peters. One of my other alter egos! I was playing Fifa on my xbox at 2am on a friday night. I heard a bit of commotion outside my house. When i looked through the blinds, i saw some 6ft 5″ hippy tipping rubbish over my spanking Vectra 2.2Sri. Not impressed i found the biggest, sharpest kitchen knife i had, got in my car and drove after the c**t! When i got to him, i pulled the knife out and threatened to stab the c**t to death and told him he’d f***ed with the wrong guy. “I’m gonne pull my car up over here and then i’m gonna f***ing sort you out ya c**t”, is what i said. As i pulled over, the hippie bolted towards the cop station which was only 60 yards away. I then went home and cried myself to sleep! It was not a nice night!
Does raping a midget count as manrage? We’ve got one at work and he’s peeing me write off! There’s nothing i hate more than a gay midget that calls me “darling”. Jacko, you should do a blog on midgets so that i can assault him and post some stories!
I personally, have never ever suffered from manrage – all my acts of violence against inaminate objests have been entirely justifed. They were all asking for it….but I showed them who was boss. Oh yes….
Like the time when I was bent over getting a heavy box out of the car boot and the boot lid lid whacked me on the back of the head when I was straightening up. Sneaky b*****d…If its a fight you want car – then a fight you shall have. Cue several vicious kicks (and several large dents) to the body work….Who’s laughing now BMW compact?
Same goes for those 17 assorted joypads that I have smashed into pieces (by hurling them at the TV, striking them with a blunt object or just tearing them apart with my hands/teeth)…clearly the sole reason for my failure to succeed at mariokart (or whatever) was because the stupid pads weren’t registering my button presses properly. They were either broken…or they were deliberately obstructing my path to videogame greatness..either way, they had to go.
Or that radioalarm that I punched to death. How dare it wake me up with that repetitive annoying ‘beep beep beep’ shit at 9:00 am on a Monday. I was trying to sleep for God’s sake.
Its a shame that ‘management’ at work don’t understand. Its not fair. Why do they always take the keyboard’s/monitor’s/paper towel dispenser’s side of the argument?. On every occasion I was provoked. ‘Excel has generated errors and needs to close’…wtf!…thats 3 hours work down the pan!….OK maybe my beef should have been with the PC/microsoft/Bill Gates but my keyboard was in perfect striking distance for my fists. I don’t know what all the subsequent ‘hoo-haa’ was all about anyway. Only 4 people complained about the swearing..and I put all the keys back on the keyboard (in the right places as well). As for the shattered paper towel dispenser -someone had bought cheapo paper that didn’t come out when I pull the lever – how else was I supposed to get paper out? Am I supposed to walk round with wet hands all day? The ‘powers-that-be’ should’ve thanked me since I had entirely resolved the issue of access to the paper. Instead, I get the word ‘misconduct’ bandied around for a couple of weeks…thats gratitude for you.
One final word of advice, never ever headbutt the partition wall of your Directors office…speaking from experience it appears to be something that they don’t readily forget.
I feel it is also my duty to mention that golf and manrage is a potent cocktail that almost invariably leads to a trail of destruction. Most people lose the odd ball during a round, I however have lost several clubs (into lakes, up trees, in bushes)…and can also attest to the fact that a 7 iron is no match for an axe when it comes to trying to chop down a large Oak tree.
wtf???? Golf and manrage? Golf is theeeee most boring sport i have ever seen or played. You waste a whole day playing 18 holes. May i add that there is approximately 20 minutes spent hitting a ball and 11 hours walking around the course! Why would you even bother when there’s an xbox 360 sitting at home with Tiger Woods 09 sitting in it?! No missed balls there. Sorry Dr Doug but i f***ing hate golf!
England vs France – EURO 2004.
Sitting on my couch with a beer in hand, England were leading the French by a goal to nil as sub Emile Heskey, filling in at centre back, decided to hack someone down on the edge of the box with 2 minutes of injury time left. Zidane scored the resulting free kick. Seconds later David James was at it! He brought down Henry and Zidane scored the resulting penalty to win the game for France. Everything on my coffee table was launched into the fire place and the living room door was punched!
Face also nearly sent me into manrage after we crashed someone’s 30th birthday. Please see the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbOf1HF_K8c
Well you already know I have man-rage issues Jacko. To date I have broken 1 snooker cue, 1 hockey stick, 3 tennis rackets and umpteen badminton rackets due to what i felt were ‘sub-par’ sporting performances. Oh yes, and one wall.
The thing I find about man-rage is you have no control. It like you’re watching yourself behaving like a twat and thinking, who is that idiot. Eventually you calm down and hang your head in shame :-/. The only cure for me would be stopping performing sport entirely (and computer games for that matter, I’ve lost count of the number of mice and controllers I’ve sent to silicon heaven.) Trying to suppress it has lowered the number and ferocity of the incidents but leads to a build up and a massive outburst instead which is even more detrimental to the self esteem (not to mention breaking foot and hand bones hitting crossbars and doors, and droppign the C-bomb at people totally uneccessarily.)
Ah…but thats the point. Golf is, for most participants, a reasonably sedate affair….a nice stroll in the countryside. But for manrage sufferers its a recipe for disaster….as it only takes one bad shot/stroke of misfortune to completely destroy the round. The manrage sufferer then gets angry and swings the club harder – which invariably results in a hook or a slice. Thus a vicious circle has started which rapidly spirals out of control.
I got manrage once because the garlic sauce on my chips was too garlicy.
And once because the bloke in the queue looked like Alanis Morissette.
Don’t have nightmares
Fishy: That last one isn’t manrage. It’s just an abridged version of a football match with you doing what every person on the planet would expect of an English football supporter
I also get manrage when someone writes “read this and you’re gay”, more because I fell for it than anything else
Or if someone does this
You’re gay
Man, that was a lot of scrolling for a rubbish punch line
That last one missed out a load of space between “..does this” and “You’re gay”
OMG, you guys are too funny! The last ten minutes reading the comments has been the best 10 minutes I’ve spent on a blog yet!
I just watched the Shawny Show for the first time…
I don’t know what it is, and it is probably not funny too anyone who doesn’t know you, but I loved it.
Loving the Manrage comments guys!! Good work! Too much rage, too little time.
I didnt’t quite realise how much stuff you have smashed up, Dr. Doug.
Littlehammer, didn’t you actually break your hand punching that crossbar?
German euro disney queue jumpers who pretend they don’t understand what you’re saying when manraged, who have been manraged pushing 3 year old kids over so they can get their picture taken with mickey mouse deserve everything they get.
So do french captain hook and mary poppins who get told to ‘f*ck off’ for getting involved.
My Greatest Manrage, and in many ways an indicator of what was to come, was my attack on my woodwork teacher with chisel. I’d spent a whole morning making a perfect ‘dovetail’ joint which the fat twat decided would be a clever idea to snap in half to illustrate that they are not that strong a joint. I told him he was a ‘C U Next Tuesday’ and he clumped me with the piece of wood, so I went one better and went at him brandishing a chisel.
This is how I infamously spent 6 months forbidden from ‘sharp objects’, such as cookery implements, woodwork/metalwork tools and pencils, and had to write English literature and all other subjects in crayon..
Manrage can be a bastard.
I told you on Leachy’s stag do about my beer fueled sex deprived manrage that my mrs had to endure from me didn’t I….but I can’t use words like that on your blog….she did eventually forgive me though LOL
You’ve also seen my manrage when you pinched my room key in Riga, and when you tried to make me eat McDonalds, and when swampy went awol after his tourettes…..
….common denominator here….my penchant and (in)ability to drink copious beer.
Errr……Jacko, listen up. Do i go around saying Mork Jickman? No, i f***ing don’t! So when you write something about The Shauny Show, spell the f***er correctly!
That was close to making go into manrage by the way!
I was playing Fight Night Round 3 and was on the last achievement to bolster my huge gamerscore! It was for 100 achievement points for winning the fight. I’m giving this bloke an absolute whipping and then he gets a TKO in Round 3 resulting in me having to play the entire game again to get the achievement. I threw the controller across the room and went into hulk mode! I ripped the plastic casing in half, shouted “raaaar” a few times and then stamped the crap out of my controller! Then i thought to myself, “you now have to go and spend £30 on another controller and have no case to trade your game in, TW*T!”.
Apologies Fishy.
Skwad, you can use them words on my blog, and that story is a belter! GET IT TOLD!
You guys are all so funny. My favorite line so far is “I personally, have never ever suffered from manrage – all my acts of violence against inaminate objests have been entirely justifed.” That’s just priceless.
Assembling crappy flatpack furniture can induce manrage, as I can testify just now after reassembling my desk (I had to clear the room for a few days, I don’t like randomly assembling/disassembling things).
With manrage looming, a good few whacks made me feel better. Unfortunately the draws are now f*cked, but that’s okay.
I liked my sisters story she told me that started off with her bloke stubbing his toe on the bedroom door and escalated into him ripping said door off the hinges. Awesome.
Actually, I’m trying to rack my brains of the incidents of manrage that have happened in my life, and have had very few…..
There was one time when I punched and smashed the shit out of a hand dryer in a club once, but it provoked me by saying something about my mother…
Apart from that, I usually just swear a lot. Suppose I’ve just got tourette rage.
Ste, that story from your sister is true manrage.
Enjoing the craic on here, guys. Cheers.
Does beating yourself off count as manrage?
Depends on how you do it, Fishy?
Dr. Doug, is this a distant relative?
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090605/tuk-golf-rage-man-faces-jail-for-club-at-45dbed5.html