Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
What a song, ey?
Fiddler on the roof, “If I Were A Rich Man.” If I were a rich man, I’d be singing “Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum”, pretty much 24/7.
What I would not be singing is:
I’d fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks
For the town to see and hear.
(Insert)Squawking just as noisily as they can. (End Insert)
With each loud “cheep” “swaqwk” “honk” “quack”
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say “Here lives a wealthy man.”
What?
The last thing I would be doing after winning the lottery is buying poultry. What a shit, shit verse. I don’t care if it is sung by a poor milkman in early 20th century Russia, there must have been something better he could have wished for such as a prostitute made out of solid gold, or even a prostitute holding a big bag of gold, or even a prostitute who knew where some gold was, or even a prostitute who wasn’t ridded with STIs, or even a prostitute who was riddled with STIs (Jacko says: “Rubber Up”).
But no. He wished for a loud bloody duck whilst singing “Here lives a wealthy man.” You’re not wealthy, you’re an idiot. What would his neighbours have thought? “Why didn’t he spend the money on prostitutes made of solid gold?”
I didn’t mean to get into that. What I want to talk about is how great it would be if I was rich. This came up, because I was browsing through the shopping website, Play looking at some film memorabilia saw this little piece.
Giger’s Alien.
I love Alien and Aliens, and I even like Alien 3 (won’t mention the fourth one). I’d love to have Giger’s Alien on my desk, but I couldn’t do that with the one above as it is life-sized! 7’8” it is, and a wallet busting £5799.99 to boot! Check it out: Alien I can’t see why anyone would buy this unless they were either really rich or really stupid. There’s a customer review which states “Would look good in any horror fans collection of memorabilia.” I should bloody hope so. For six grand I’d expect it to hunt down and destroy my enemies (of which there are many) and then seek out prostitutes made of solid gold and rid them of their STIs. If you weren’t minted you really would have to be stupid to buy it. I was hoping for a review which said. “After losing all my money in the Farepack Christmas Hamper Scheme, I decided to push the boat out this Christmas and invest in the “Lifesize Scale Alien Xenomorph Statue” to impress the kids. I am now selling my “Lifesize Scale Alien Xenomorph Statue” as my three loan sharks have the audacity to charge interest on the monies owed to them. Still, this would look good in any horror fans collection of memorabilia.”
Where was I? This blog is a bit like Ronnie Corbett’s stories when he sits on the chair, tells a long winded tale and then hits you with a terrible punchline and you yearn for Ronnie Barker to come back on.
“Sorry” was shit .
There’s no Ronnie Barker here, folks. Sorry, just more of me rambling about prostitutes made of gold.
I haven’t blogged in ages, actually, as I have been busy writing the sequel to The Great Right Hope. I’ve now finished the first draft of the second book of The Sid Tillsley Chronicles, ”A Fistful of Rubbers,” and that’s why my imagination is running riot. Back to reality. Being rich. Wouldn’t it be great. I was chatting to a friend today about what I’d do if I was truly rich. I mean rich, not all that “oh, I’m rich because of my loved ones,” bollocks. No, I mean prostitutes made of solid gold, rich.
If I were rich…
I’d hire Face (aka Dirk Benedict) from the A-Team to sit in my front room, and then when I had friends over, I’d pay a dude dressed as Cylon to walk through my front room so that Face could recreate his famous point at the start of the A-Team intro. I love that shit.
I’d buy Manchester United, sack Alex Ferguson and then put my old man in charge and watch the club implode. I remember being a young goal keeper and being told. “Don’t close the angle. it’s easier to dive forwards, than backwards, so stay on the back post and then the striker can only kick it in one place.” My football career didn’t last long. He doesn’t believe in any defensive walls for free kicks. Being Norfolk born and bred, I can’t imagine Evra would get a game, either.
I’d pay a man to watch all forty-two episodes of Sorry, back-to-back, non-stop, for a year just to see what happened to him.
I’d pay a scientist (a real one) to invent and breed Ewoks, and then I’d test cosmetics on them as a punishment for ruining “Return of the Jedi.”
I’d shut every plastic and chrome bar in the country and reinvest in Great British pubs.
I’d remake Highlander 2.
I’d organise a Battle Royale, the likes of which, the world has never seen. I’d offer a billion pounds and a penis enlargement to the winner of this fight to the death, man versus man, epic bout of brutality, extravaganza. I’d send invites to Hulk Hogan, Crocodile Dundee, Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, Grant from Eastenders, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Mike Tyson, Dolph Lundgren, Carl Weathers and Gary Busey. And then, I’d send armed guards to collect Andy Murray, Jeremy Kyle and the prick down my gym who doesn’t put the weights back and then I’d let battle commence. I’d pay that bloke who shouts”LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE” to come along and shout “LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE” There isn’t a red-blooded man alive who wouldn’t want to watch that.
I’d remake “Fiddler on the Roof,” and make it real freaky with… you know!
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’m not a very materialistic person and for me to live the life of my dreams, I’d need billions and billions. Who cares about owning a Ferrari, when you can fuck up an Ewok, real bad. And, in conclusion, isn’t that what being rich is all about?
So, if you were infinitely rich, what would you do?
Infinitely rich? I’d buy the front row seats for the rumble in the jungle fight for starters.
I’d replace the portacabin Falklands gym with state of the art rehab equipment for my mate Tom and others that will walk in his footsteps
I’d put my money where my instinct is and get right behind publicising a wacky sharp and surprisingly funny youngish author who pestered me on Twitter
if I was infinitely rich I wouldn’t be any happier than I am now
here in Wales running my freerange, organic, barn roaming, jamie Oliver approved ewok breeding sanctuary.
Love em, little tweethearts.
Like reject Disney characters, I’d give them all a seat in the fight club front row
Ahhh the age old question.. what if i was loaded.
Firt thing I’d do is close Scotland, letting it open only on New year weekends, and send (pretty much the whole of) the government there to graze on thistles. I mean, what country other than Scotland has a weed as it’s national flower?? Our’s is a Rose. Red like our blood, sharp thorns beautiful and admired by all. Thistles ar purple faced, annoying, prickly and there to be trod. Actually quite relevant. Anyway I digress again
If i was rich i’d be like Hugh Hefner and build a mansion and fill it with chicks with unfeasably large bazooms.
Nothing more you need in life really….
I’d definitely pay Oz Clark to smell and rate my farts.
And I’d buy some noisey ducks, turkeys and geese and move next to Jackman. And shout ”Oy veh’ a lot.
Finally, I’d get a massive megaphone (an uberphone? A megameagphone?) and tell people what their problem is.
You pic of gigers alien made me remember something buried deep in my subconcious.
Me and some mates went to a thing in Glasgow once where you reinacted part of alien. It was under central station (just imagine the arches in Eastenders) there was next to no light in these tight corridors which were lit every 10 feet by a 20W bulb. We had this asshole dressed up as a military man who took us to what was supposed to be a lift. The door shuts the button is pressed and it is assumed we are heading down 20 floors to look for these aliens. Then all the lights go off, flicker back on and this guy has disappeared from in front of our very eyes. They flicker off again and back on and this guy dressed up in an alien costume (from the set I might add) is stood before us. Do we all say hello and shake his hand.
No!!
About 15 probably rational people sream and that good old friend adrenalin kicks in and we all leg it out the door, which has now opened and down a corridor with red lights flashing. It was £20 well spent never had an experience like it.
When you look back you think there were 15 of us why didn’t we just kick the shit out of it.
Answer because it’s hard to do when running in the opposite direction.
I would finance the my first midget porno
I’d buy the alien and give it to my aliens obsessed frond Simon, and he would be happy for all time. 6k is a fair price for such bliss. seriously, he has a fetish….
I’d buy coca cola, (as in the whole company) and close it because they irritate me and I hate their adverts.
Ahhh… Money money money…. Well on the subject of what you would do, I must use the quote from one of my favourite films of all time – Office Space:
“What would you do if you had a million dollars?”
“I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.”
“That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?”
“Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.”
So yep – that’s what I would probably do with a few millions of dollars. With “Infinite” moeny though, well, I’d start off with making a huge mansion, and possibly making another holiday home somewhere in the shape of castle greyskull. I’d employ Brian Blessed as my offical spokes person for all my phone calls and things, and also make a GPS system with his voice. Might look into employing an entourage of midgets just because they’re cool. Not really suer what else to do…
Some great answers there, peeps.
Ruthio: Why am I “surprisingly” funny? Ewok Fightclub is inspired, by the way.
Dave: You can’t close Scotland or there’s be no “Sid Tillsley Chronicles.” I do like the idea of the govnerment grazing on thistles tho.
Dredge: If I become rich, I’m going to pay you to tell people what their problem is.
Hustler: Do you reckon that guy has taken a pasting before? I’d love to send the SAS there as a team building event.
Bryn: With no Coca Cola in the world, how would he know Christmas was coming without their adverts that start in August.
Coops: Castle Greyskull is a fantastic ideas. I’d torture the bastard from Grand Designs in the dungeons. Although, I am roguely attracted to his rich voice.
Great answers! Anyone else?
What made you think the surprisinglyfunny young author who pesters me on Twitter is you? The worlds a big enough place for more than one hunk sportsman author.
Finding a virgin one might be tricky.
The ewoks can def have the ringside seats, actually the ones I’m rearing are playboy mansion Hefner inspired and trained to walk well wiggle seductively between rounds with the cards over their furry lil heads.
If the sas are involved in any way , please l
page me.
Or failing that , I’ll do with the fireman from the calendar; I’m sofarahead I’m looking for mr October .
Must dash the ewoks need afternoon cream teas they’re adorable trying to hold the bone china t cups with pinkyfinger extended a la mode
I would end hunger… there is no reason anyone in this coutry should go to bed hungry. it is a travesty..
Have a thing about solid gold prostitutes, do you
LOL, loved your blog!
Ruthio: There’s loads of virgin hunk sportsmen out there. Not many people know this but George Best lived his life as a virgin.*
Lisa: I agree, but after you cured hunger, then you’d mess up some Ewoks, right?
Gracie: If it was good enough for Sean, it’s good enough for me
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_-nmpEaAYNWA/ScHTDCqK-MI/AAAAAAAABXc/9-9FDaLOXHE/s400/goldfinger.jpg
* it was either him or Cliff Richard. I get the two mixed up.
What about setting up a high class Golden Ewok Escort service – I mean there’s some sick bastards out there who are into bestiality and the stuff, and I suppose an Ewok is a bit of half and half really, so an exclusive service offering Golden Ewoks, would make a mint! Enough money to buy more golden ewoks and golden prostitutes and things…. On a side note – I once saw an escort at work in a hotel once, very bizarre and amusing to observe..
I would make lewd comments to the women at work knowing that if they reported me to HR I wouldn’t give a f*!k if I got the sack.
I would of cousre take the time to complete my expenses report before I left. I have my standards.
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