I’ve just reached a milestone, as I turned thirty in April. Yeah, thanks for the birthday card, by the way; thanks loads. I’m not going to write about the whole growing older thing, or how you forgot my birthday, because it just ends up annoying people. I’ll write about turning thirty and everyone over thirty will be saying “I’d kill to be thirty, again. Wait until you reach (insert older age here).” Even if Shigechiyo Izumi, a 120 year old fella from Japan wrote this article, Jeanne Calment, the world’s oldest person (122) would read it and say “I’d kill to be 120. You wait until you reach 122.”
Nope, I don’t want to talk about that. If you’ve read my article, or had a look at my blog, then you’ll have a fair idea that I love a beer or two, and if you know that, then you’ll be surprised to know that I just spat out an ale as it was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever nearly drunk: “Hot Cross Ale.”
Us Brits often look down our noses (which are often up in the air) at the Yanks when it comes to beer, but they’re getting better, much better, and micro-breweries are popping up all over the country brewing some great ale, by all accounts. After what I just tasted we have no right to ever look down on any beer-brewing country, ever again.
“Hot Cross Ale.”
In order to celebrate the joys of spring, a British supermarket teamed up with a brewery to fuse the taste of ale with the taste of a hot cross bun.
And I bought one.
I should have known.
Hot cross buns and ale is like Bobby Brown and Whitney Huston, Eminem and Kim Mathers, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, Mike Tyson and…women. These are things that just don’t mix.
But why don’t we learn? Why are humans compelled to mix things with beer that should not be mixed? Why? And why do I keep ******* buying them!
Desperardos is a combination of lager and…Tequila. Blaaaahhh! It’s strong too, at 5.9 %. I wasn’t looking forward to tasting this as I HATE tequila due to drinking a whole bottle and one slammer of Jose Cuervo when I was a student. Still, this was…actually…quite nice. It tasted a little like ginger ale.
Ok, what about this one: Chocolate beer! Chocolate and beer! Blaaahhh! Young’s Double Chocolate Stout. Imagine if you will, a pint of Guinness with a Mars bar stuck in the top. Actually, it’s really nice. It’s smooth, with loads of chocolate aromas and then a bitter finish.
You can sort of see how chocolate and a dark beer would go together, but what about Well’s Banana Bread Beer? Beer and bananas? Imagine, if you will, a pint of ale with a banana stuck in the top. Actually, it’s quite nice. It’s really easy to drink, and you get a slight banana aftertaste.
And last but not least, Marston’s Oyster Stout. Why would anyone come up with the idea of boiling up the beer with oysters thrown in for bad luck (it’s because Oysters and stout were a popular meal in the UK in the eighteenth century)? Imagine, if you will, a pint of Guinness with the barman spitting the full contents of his lungs on top. Actually, it’s quite nice, and possibly because there’re no oysters in it. However, a few breweries do throw some in, and the 21st Amendment Brewery in California is one of them. Blaaahhh! I can’t really comment as I’ve never tried it.
OK, so they’re bad examples, but one thing which is bloody terrible is hot cross bun flavoured ale. Blaahhhhh!
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This post is printed with permission from Zetta Brown, editor of LL-Publications. It forms part of their monthly e-zine, which has loads of information about the publishing trade, along with me being an arse. To join the mailing list visit their website: http://www.ll-publications.com/newsletter.html
