Hail To The King, Baby!

 I don’t feel very good, right now.  There are no illnesses, that I know of, coursing through my body.  I am not hungover.  I am not depressed.  So, how come I am feeling rough, you ask.  The answer is cheeseburgers.

I ate five cheeseburgers in a twenty-four hour period, from Friday night to Saturday night.  Now I’m a healthy guy; I really am.  I go to the gym four times a week and eat well.  Yeah, I like a few beers.  Who doesn’t?  I haven’t got to justify myself to you.  Shut up.  However, I was celebrating the birthday of a friend and we had a couple of nights on the ale.  I had a great time, but I didn’t eat anything through the day and we survived the night’s drinking by grabbing a quick McDonalds on each of the nights. 

Not wanting to piss about, I always order what I can see is ready, and it was cheeseburgers on both nights.  Cheeseburgers are lovely, but their effects on the human body are physiologically similar to that of heroin (well, they are both bad for you).

Two days on, and these cheeseburgers are still in my system.  How far they have descended is something that I do not know.  I feel discomfort from the top of my stomach all the way through to daylight.  Those five intestine wreckers are on their way south and are moving like a continental plate, slow, steady and with the momentum that will break things in two, resulting in an eruption of magma. 

Now, the reason for this blog is to pay homage to a great man: Elvis Aaron Presley. 

Now, most people who know me, know I love the King and I mention him as a hero on my website.  The King had the greatest voice of his generation, and, arguably, of all time.  I am not here to discuss that.  What I am here to say is that there is no-one, other than the great man himself, who could perform, to that standard, with that many cheeseburgers inside him. 

The King, in his twenties, could eat eight cheeseburgers in a sitting, so I hate to think what he could have done in his later years.  EIGHT!  The guy must have felt terrible all the time, yet he still managed to pull off some of the most amazing performances in music history.  Even before his death, he still had his voice.  Yes, he was a large shadow of his former self, but the voice was still there. 

What could he have achieved if he hadn’t ate cheeseburgers.  How great could he have become?  Elvis was a Karate master, can you imagine if the King had challenged the fitness DVD franchise of Billy Blanks’ Tae-Bo series.  Elvis singing a track, whilst busting out moves at the speed of lightning would be number one, every January, after we indulge at Xmas.

Would he have become the President of the United States?  Would he have evaded Iraq?  Would he have needed to? 

“Hey, Saddam, have you got any of them big mamma weapons, man?”

“Well, yes, we have, King.”

“You get rid of them, man, or I am going to come over and take care of business.  You understand me?  You get rid of them, and I’ll come over and play to your troops, as a thank-you.  Heck, I’ll even throw in one of my “Karate with the King” fitness DVDs.”

“OK, King, I’ll tell the boys down the plant to get rid of them.  Sorry about that.  You know I get a little adventurous around my birthday.  My Mrs loves them DVDs!” 

Cheeseburgers:  The devil’s work.  If they can do what they did to the King, what are they going to do to a mere mortal like you or I? 

Stay healthy, people.

Jacko