Ebooks? Would You Read Something You Can’t Wipe Your Backside With?

An alien concept I know, but before any of that, first some bragging!

I’m the King, the King of Horror…

Well, fifth in line to the throne.

Anyone see Stephen King there with his shit clown? No, I don’t think so.

Not just horror, I’m King of Fiction! Well…maybe more of a Lecherous Earl or a Mischievous Knight

329^th out of 415,000 books. Maths isn’t my strong point, but I believe that puts me in the top 330.  That catapults me into the elite 0.1% authors in the country.

I’m the greatest. I’m the champion. I’m…as usual…full of shite…

The fame only lasted for about an hour before I was pushed down the list very hard indeed, like a Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast’s head into an unflushed toilet.

And that isn’t all. As you can tell from the title, the above isn’t the paperback chart.

You’ve probably noticed the word “Kindle.” Kindle is a device that Amazon has been flogging, basically an electronic reader. So, those rankings above are for ebook sales.

Kindles are a neat piece of kit. You can pick them up from Amazon for about 150 quid (link), price dependent on whether you want wifi, 3G, etc. You can then log into Amazon and buy books with a click and have them zapped to your Kindle.

This is huge in the states, and as a result the Lecherous Earl of Fiction here, currently sits at 287,111 in the charts out of 430,000 (yes, I’ve sold copies in the states which makes me an international selling author –technicalities are awesome when you are on the right end of them, which isn’t often). 287,111 isn’t quite as impressive, but here’s the thing…I’ve sold a similar number!

Kindle has recently been launched in the UK, and has been established for a few years in the States, but ebooks are nothing new here. It’s just that, British people seem to, well, hate them.

The Great Right Hope first appeared as an ebook, and this often led to much discomfort for myself. People were mightily impressed that I had a book published, but when they found out it was only available on the…internet…they treated me differently. It was as if when I was made they found something wrong with me and threw me away, like a piece of rubbish, into an old dark store room. Then from outer-space a Spottyman brought me to life with his cosmic dust. He took me to a magic cloud where Mother Nature gave me a print run.

I distinctly remember something happening like that, although my mind often plays tricks. Actually, no, LL-Publications released it as a paperback, that was it.

I used to be anti-digital format, myself. The idea of forking out a load of cash to buy an ebook reader didn’t appeal. After all, to read a paperback all I need is my eyes, which are free (if stained with nightmares). Without a reader, you’re limited to reading it off the PC, and that makes it difficult to read on the toilet…confusing the mouse for the loo roll was a costly, but surprisingly enjoyable mistake.

All this changed when I bought an iPhone.

I didn’t realise how important purchasing an iPhone would make me. I really didn’t. For a few hundred quid, you can make yourself better than everyone else who is iPhoneless. I just need to drive an Audi to become the ultimate wanker.

What the iPhone and other smart phones can offer is all the functionality of Kindle only on a smaller scale. It’s Jackman in the changing rooms of the Chicago Bulls…if they had a midget team.

The important thing is that the text is extremely readable and the interface so easy to use!

I tried to take a picture of me using my iphone with my iphone, but found it difficult.

The Great Right Hope…available on Kindle through the store….PLUG!

I’ve clicked the screen to show you the menu, but it is sooooo easy to read and use. Touch the ‘plus’ sign to bookmark. Press the ‘aA’ to change the font and the screen colour. In fact, if you don’t know what a word is you can press and hold the screen until a little magnifying glass comes up, and then it links it to a dictionary which will tell you what he word means. If you need it for my literary tome, there is a chance the Oxford English Dictionary won’t know what the word is. Chances are it will be related to a cock.

You can have multiple books going at one time, and if you are ever bored, you can simply press a few buttons and download another.

It is possible to download loads of the classics for absolutely nowt too. FREEBIES!

As for ebooks, a lot of people I’ve spoke to have said that they don’t like them. They say they like owning something, seeing it on the shelf, smelling the pages. All fair comments, but look at the music industry, iPods, MP3 players. Didn’t we once say the same things about compact discs?

If you have a smartphone, then download kindle now. It’s free. It’s easy and it really is awesome. And then, for the cost of a London pint, you can be reading the funniest novel on all of Amazon, The Great Right Hope, in minutes. You may finish it just in time for the release of the sequel.

To the store with your wallet, my friends!