I am very conscious of the fact that my last two posts have had elongated words in the title, but come on guys, this is darts, or DAAARRTTTTS we are talking about, here.
In last week’s post, I told you all that I will be saving the British pub, and I am a man of my word. I told you about a local dart’s team, and how The Great Right Hope is planning to sponsor them, all true, I shit you not.
Look, it’s all here: http://mark-jackman.com/blog/2009/04/29/iiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-one/
Therefore, www.mark-jackman.com and www.ll-publications proudly present….
THE ALBION ARRAS
From left to right: Doylie, Matt, Jimmy, Al, Keith (Landlord), Big Ron and Graham. Player bios coming to the website soon.
The official launch party of the Arras was a bit late, but what a crackerjack it still turned out to be. The Arras played the Tap and Mallet, and, in dramatic fashion, the winner of this clash of titans was decided by the last leg, the beer leg, where the whole team plays down from 1001, winner-takes-all, shit-or-bust. The standard of darts was electrifying, which meant it all came down to Madhouse: both teams aiming at double-one, the epitome of accuracy. Between them, both teams managed to miss approximately thirty darts at the desired double until Ian Doyle of the Albion Arras, unleashed hell with a dart that actually went where he was aiming it. The Albion, Loughborough, England, erupted.
It was a fantastic evening. The Albion sells some wonderful beer, and the fans, as well as both teams, took advantage. The atmosphere… words cannot describe the intensity. Well, they probably could, but I don’t know many words. The emotions a man can experience after a night of ale, darts, uncomfortably hot chilli, pool, karaoke and all male company… wow. A picture speaks a thousand words.
Pubs bring:
Passion
Euphoria
Irrational Anger
Constipation
Partial Nudity
Acceptable Manlove
Double-One Finishes
OK, so “acceptable manlove” isn’t an emotion, and nor are a few others, and double-one finishes are just a result of shit darts, but you get the point. One night of darts and a few sociable ales can take you on an emotional rollercoaster through a modern-day gladiatorial arena. I am not advocating binge-drinking here. True, one of the Albion Arras had downed six pints before the start of the match, but that was just to settle his nerves, so was technically a medical necessity
Support your local pub. You don’t have to drink, although it helps – still yet to find an activity that isn’t as fun without beer. That’s a good topic of conversation, actually. Can anyone think of anything that is more enjoyable to do sober (except shaving a ball sack, especially your own)?
Brainwave!
I have been planning to run a competition for a while, now.
CHALLENGE: Apart from shaving pubic areas, can anyone think of something that is more fun to do sober?
PRIZE: The funniest answer will win themselves a genuine set of GREAT RIGHT HOPE DART FLIGHTS! It doesn’t get much better than that! Note: I said funniest answer. Emergency surgery on your faithful dog is not funny, but best done sober. I just upset myself. A death of a dog is the only justification for male tears.
You have until Thursday the 14th, 6pm UK time to enter! Just pop your answer on the bottom of this post.
Back to the blog. So yeah, you don’t have to drink to enjoy darts, pool, etc. They are great social games, unless playing in a rough-arsed pub where every item used to play barsports also doubles up as an exceptionally versatile, violent weapon.
You are going to hear a lot more from me about how much fun pubs are and about the positive aspects of drinking. Together, we can save the British Pub. Calling out to the USA! How are pubs doing over there?
There will be a page devoted to the Albion Arras, on my website. I’ll let you know when it is up and running, so you can meet the team. Ladies, don’t you worry; there WILL be full frontal nudity. Anyone in the Loughborough area, the Albion Arras are at home to the Dew Drop next Thursday. Would be great to see you all there.
H’oway the Arras!
Being the designated driver is alot of fun when your sober. Not just for obivious reasons.
I have freinds who think the term “designated driver” means some one who only drinks beer not liquor, or, the person who promises to stop drinking 2 hours before everybody else does. As you can probably guess these guidelines were formed about halfway though a bottle of Jack Daniels.
What I am talking about is that well thought out and prevoius agreed upon decision made by a fellow crew member (usaually after losing a game of rock, paper, scissors) to abstain from drinking for the ENTIRE night.
The only thing worse than entrtaiment ideas cooked up by drunks, are the devious machinations formulated by the fevered brains of their sober buddy who has been jealously watching them all night, and who KNOWS that no matter what, they will have to deliver you safely home. And they HATE you for it.
This leaves a lot of room for creativty, I have seen DD’s walk onto the dance floor and spin people around mercilessly and simply walk away. Then wait and collect bets on whether the victim passes out or throws up. I watched a dude make his friend put a case of beer in the fridge one bottle at a time. Just to see how long it would take him to figure it out. He never did. I have personally cornrowed (braided) a guys a hair, and made him buy condoms, lube, D batteries and a disposable camera at Wal-Mrt. The cashier was so horrified she made another employee ring up his purchases. The worse thing was when a DD (sober) got pulled over and convinced one of his drunk passengers to switch seats with him.
That’s love man.
“worse thing was when a DD (sober) got pulled over and convinced one of his drunk passengers to switch seats with him.”
That is absolutely brilliant! What a mate!
I always take all the bottles out of the box before putting them in the fridge. You put the work in up front and it pays dividends in the end when you are desperate for a cold one, there is no messing around with boxed!
Great post! Cheers, Sunnii!
Putting up a tent is more fun to do sober, when you’re sober with your mates you’re in the world tent erecting (tee hee) championships, kicking the ass of all the other losers on the campsite.
When you’re pissed it’s like some sort of evil krypton factor nightmare, guaranteed to end in fury, broken tents and a cold, damp night sleep outside.
I love the designated driver story, but you missed out one key perk. On a heavy night you can be the only one who remembers bits of it. Drip feeding back embarrasing details to hungover friends the next day can be the ultimate pay-back! Last time I had this experience my mate had had a fight with a girl on the dancefloor in Chicagos he had no recollection of
I find armed robbery works better when sober.
Everything is more fun with a beer.
Did your mate win the fight with the girl, Pat? More importantly, was it Face? He’s 1-0-0!
I think you’re right. Putting up tents is more fun sober, unless it is the duvet tent variety, but the older I get, the more difficult they are to perform.
Picking on drunk people is unfair sport, and telling them of their woes is a horrible thing to do… like when Maggot found you in his wheelie-bin throwing up.
swimming
Eating fish……
No beer (or liquor) goes with fish
Genocide, although I agree with Alan about swimming. That should not be attempted in any shape or form after drinking.
Kids, stay in school.
Thanks for your endorsement Adolf, it means a lot!!
On that note, prescribing medicine should always be done sober (learn from Shipman’s mistakes people!)
Shipman’s mistake was getting caught.
I totally agree that the death of a dog is the only excuse for man tears!
I always find that tight rope walking across the grand canyon especially while pretending to be a muslim is alot more fun and authentic when sober!
Swimming is a good shout although is swimming ever fun?
Snake charming is more fun when sober caus less chance of death.
Watching 42 Midgets fight a lion is entertaining enough even when sober
http://www.lionvs40midgets.uk-directory.com/lionvsmidgets.htm
Drinking beer is better to do when sober as you actually taste it and can manage to drink about 8 pints of it before falling over. Not much fun trying to drink 8 pints of beer when drunk, as you may fall over…believe me I’m talking from experience.
Some great answers coming out! Insightful by Skwadler. There really is no better feeling than that first chug of ale. Get the link sent to your mates, and see if they have any good answers.
Cheers
Jacko
I like to beat my woman when sober.
That way she knows i mean it
Shipman’s mistake was getting caught.
My biggest moment was arguing with Kay Burley, Live on Sky, That SHipman was not Britain’s WORST serial killer, as he had the highest count this in fact made him Britain’s BEST serial killer.
I was cut off sharpish without a valid response!
and playing Gears of War online with one member refreshed on Cider, cannot be topped… that gold lancer glows even more when he’s been supping!
Shitting is better when sober because you can enjoy a good read whilst in the traps (Like TGRH!), you don’t fall asleep and wake up with crusty tag nuts and most importantly you can wipe properly, so you arse doesn’t look like a baby’s face after it’s been given a massive bowl of chocolate custard to play with.
Texting is better when sober.
I’ve sent some very ‘sexy’ texts when I have been drunk, only to re-read them the next day and worry about what place my mind was in to send such stuff.
Cant believe you are doing your last train hop when I’m on my honeymoon! (might have to cancel the honeymoon now …)
Hobbit, why the hell have you written that on here?
Dredge, why are you talking about the state of your backside, after a dump?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?
It’s more fun to get drunk when you’re sober. When you’re already wrecked, the extra drink is only leading you closer to a kebab, that horrible spinning feeling prior to chundering, and then the chunder itself.
Starting from sober you still have all the fun ahead of you. Admittedly, on one occasion when I found myself with an extra large donor kebab (and also having paid an extra 50p for more donor meat) I left the takeaway and instantly decided I didn’t want it and chucked it up in the air, only for it to land on my head. That was fun, of a sort……
Ste, a donor kebab sounds awful?
I don’t want drunk, fat northerners eating my organs when I’m gone. I’m getting rid of my donor card, as of right now.
Masturbating….. it just takes too loong when drunk, all you want to do is go to sleep, and you end up having staying up for hours.
AND THE WINNER IS…..
ALAN!
With “swimming.” I don’t really understand, but I have been laughing since it was posted.
Congratulations, Alan, send me your address (my email address is under the contact tab at the top of the site) and I will post the darts flights to you.