This blog has nothing to do with me turning thirty in April. It has nothing to do with me feeling older, physically, as I’m in the shape of my life, due to a chubby childhood. Nor has it anything to do with a recent issue I had with Virgin Media, which resulted in me writing my first ever letter of complaint. No. The realisation that everything gets worse when you’re older dawned on me last night, when I watched Labyrinth.
Labyrinth is one of the finest films to have ever graced the silver screen. It truly is a magical tale. There’s action and adventure galore in a classic battle between good and evil, supplemented with Jim Henson’s spellbinding diversity of puppetry. Yes, indeed, Labyrinth is the greatest film in the world…
…when you’re six.
When you’re 29, however, Labyrinth is utter bollocks.
I want those ninety minutes back, I can tell you. It was awful. If you’re reading this and saying “Labyrinth is brilliant!” Then I bet you haven’t seen it since you were a kidda…or you are simply…simple. When you’re six, annoying things aren’t annoying. Jennifer Connelly, star of the Hulk and the fantastically original and entertaining Dark City, is hot. Very hot. As a sixteen-year-old actress playing with puppets she is an annoying twat.
The thing I didn’t notice as a six-year-old lad, and I’m glad to say I didn’t otherwise I’d have had a serious messed up childhood, is David Bowie’s cock. David Bowie’s cock is on screen for literally half the film. I don’t want to see David Bowie’s cock anymore. Oh, what the hell, just one more time…
The Thin White Duke’s thin white duke
It just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t full of wonder and magic, it was a bit stupid, a bit boring and a bit rubbish. Labyrinth hasn’t changed, but I have. I’ve got older and Labyrinth has not grown with me. That’s the reason for this blog. I started to wonder if there is anything that gets better with our aging? With every year, things seem to get more serious; time goes quicker; the good ol’ days and our glory years seem further out of reach; more offence is generated from David Bowie’s cock; hair grows in places it shouldn’t and disappears from places it should be; fat is stored more readily; celebrities get younger and less talented; people who you wish found you attractive don’t find you attractive; the price of ham sky rockets; you wear one of them slippers that encloses both feet; you vote; you…
I’ve said enough. I’ve depressed myself. I’m looking to you, the reader, for hope.
And, as an incentive for you to help me, I’m going to offer a signed copy of The Great Right Hope.
Please, just name something, anything that improves with old age and the best answer wins a book (paperback or ebook). Leave a comment below, or email me at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com with your answer. Closing date is 25th Feb (payday!)
I have finally realised that people like me because I am me.I don’t need to pretend to be somebody I’m not.I don’t worry about what people think. For the first time in my life I can enjoy just being me so yes,things do get better with age!
You don’t…. you used to be cool
My cocoa pebbles cereal, I let it sit until its soggy(bout 10 minutes) and it taste so much better than when I poured it into the bowl.
The milk thats left in the bowl after eating Captain Cruchberry cereal. It leaves a pinkish blue sweet film on top of the milk and I think thats better than the milk you poured onto the cereal.
The movie ‘I’m Gonna Git You Sucka’. It gets funnier and funnier everytime I see it.
Senility. it is a lot like really primo sensimilla. Actually it doesn’t improve with age per se, but you don’t actually realize it, you don’t remember that you have it, and you don’t care that you are wearing an ice cube tray on your head, cant remember the name of you 11th cat, and are wearing a children’s floaty shaped like a duck.
Something to look forward to. Also………Senility.
The Daily Main and Mail on Sunday becomes better with age, as one becomes more bitter and starts to pigeon people into: Those one hates (99.9% of people), those one really hates (people who are doing better than me, gays or Johnny foreigner. Again, about 99.9% of people) and those one really really hates (the French).
I’ve never used ‘obe’ so much 9and correctly) in my life!
This is an easy one, and one I know you should agree with.
1. Ale- I didn’t discover the joys of ale until I was in my 20′s. It tasts better and better as I get older.
2. Technology – we are now starting todo things with gadgets that we dreamed of (and can now afford) as a kids!
The big ‘three zero’ is not to be feared. Read some comics (graphic novels!), play some 360 and drink ale!
Well it depends on your definition of old I guess. I once had a chiropractor ask me(many years ago) “How old do you feel?” I asked him “What do you mean?” He said, “Well most people will say something like, ‘I’m 35 but I feel like I’m 45′” I told him that” I didn’t have any frame of reference to go by to, give that kind of an answer. All I know is… See More I’m 35 and I guess I feel 35 with a pain in my back that I would like you to fix.” Now I understand what he was getting at, but I’m almost 50, I still have aches and pains most likely always will, but in my mind and my heart I’m still 18.. I don’t ever want to grow up.. Cheers Mark… (-=
Right, I’m going to have another go, this time not after 7 hours of drinking…
Er, the ability to dance like a dad? That’s not a good thing though
Wine and cheese….
Swings and roundabouts really.
Not actually swings and roundabouts, they’re for really young kids, teenagers drinking cider and paedophiles.
Ah, paedophilia, that gets better with ages (From the paedophiles perspective at least). When you’re young, it’s just fancying your 8 year old class mates.
When you’re 30, it’s paedophilia.
I just realised that this is the only place I mention paedophilia on the whole WWW. I will stop now (The writing, not the paedophilia)
Mhh what good with age…
…sex is soo much better, you stop trying to impress, you say exactly what you want out of the whole thing, and you definately come!…if you haven’t before him you bring out the toys and get him to help until you do!…
…all the old wifey tells dont scare you anymore, you know you have literarly done everything your parents / teachers told you was bad and it is not bad cause you were not caught!…
…Love and respect for your parents / teachers / elders grows more and deeper with every passing year! I cannot believe i used to have full on blown arguments with my mum b’cause she did not want me to go out clubbing!…how stupid pathetic little spoilt kid i was!
Now i just want to be able to climb into my mum big bed and cuddle next to her whilst she is reading her bible! I miss you mum and I love you. When i go home for holidays i am just happy to sit in my mum & dad pub and share a drink & laugh with them…
It happens all the time, I refuse to watch Goonies or Lost Boys because of this, but at the end of the day you are now the one writing and doing the entertaining, so snap out of it, we do not need any Oscar Wilde episodes here
Plus if I win, I am only in Coalville, so I can pick it up and save you postage!
Head up!
anyone that says wine is lying, wine doesn’t taste better as it gets older, it tastes like vinegar ! vinegar i tell you…..you buy a bottle, the bloke say “yes sir, that’s a beautiful full boddied wine but don’t drink it for another 20 years, by which time it will be amazing”….by which time he’s cashed your cheque, left the country and is sipping a fine wine somewhere on the continent. A wine he opened the second after he bought it because he knows that if he leaves it, it’ll taste like vinegar !
So really, that leaves just jennifer aniston. I swear that she gets better the older she gets ! I suppose it be the older I get…..hmmm, that could be it ! when I fancied her I was 14 or something, if i’d met her then she wouldn’t have been interested, i’d have been too young….now….now she’d be into a bit of the running man !
Tremors wasn’t as good as I remembered though !
I don’t know if it’s getting old, but my marriage has improved over time. We “get” each other, we’re better able to communicate, (and yes, that includes ) and we can convey a whole conversation with just a look or a touch. We’ve both grown up, we’ve both gotten better at putting the other first, and we’ve gotten over ourselvses to realize making the other person happy brings the greatest pleasure and job.
Yes, I’m not as young as I used to be and I have sags in a few places, but I wouldn’t trade that for the young and stupid kids we were when we first got married.
My Bank balance gets better with age. I started off having student debt where I could only dream of owning shit like consoles and plasma TV’s and stuff, and now I can just buy them (and then realise that I shouldn’t have bought them since I’m back in debt… )
One thing Jacko can’t argue about is writing! Are you trying to say that you could have written the Great Right Hope and the others when you finished your GCSE’s? It must have gotten better with age, and still is getting better with age…
Porn has also gotten better with age. I’ve got to say it but vintage 60′s and early 70′s porn doesn’t cut it – especially the black and white silent ones. I’ve also tried my best to find out who started inventing the various “Bush” styles in porn. I’ve asked many many people, and many of those Texperts / Any Question Answered type people, and research on the internet but no one knows. One year, the bush in porn was wild, and then the next, all the women are sporting landing strips and brazilians and shaven havens. Someone, somewhere must have said “this looks good on camera” and started the fashion…. Slightly off topic – but porn has got better with age. Soon there’ll be 3D porn as well.
I fear you have uncovered the tip of the iceberg, kids tv is now in general rubbish, we all agree that despite all the ‘science’ shows such as teletubbies and the tweenies make kids dumber. Not like when I was a lad eh? Shows full of adventure and danger, that teach a boy abou right and wrong, honour, valour and exactly how to save the damsel in distress were the order of the day. Not when you see them now. Every show I’ve revisited that once was awesome is now terrible. Thundercats, Superted, even the mighty Bucky O’hare are now absolute let downs. So you see that Labarynth is just the tip. But would you really trade everything you’ve done since, the joys and wonders you’ve seen and experienced, the life you’ve lived the loves you’ve had and the person you’ve become just so that a tv show you’d never watch again anyway is a little better. To answer your question everything is better as you get older. I like the fact that things get left behind. Life would be pretty dull if we never moved on from anything wouldn’t it?
Nouns get better with age
Which is better:
1) “I’m gonna get some beer”
2) “I’m gonna get some beerage”
1) Boobs!
2) Oooooo boobage!
The only thing that it doesn’t imporove is bag.
I don’t mind a girl with bags (especially fo the fun variety) but noone wants a girl with baggage.
Or hepititis
What ,you mean no one calls them “brewski’s” any more except me?
I like a woman with a small bag, about the size of a ziplock sandwich bag, that way I know she’s not packing. LOL
I actually like the term, TIG OL BITTIES myself, But in actuality I prefer small handful size breast with large nips. But that’s just me…
Or a cock
Hahaha – Cockage… that sounds bad
Even though I’m not judging this I’d be amazed if anything other than number 17 won.
What about spill(age). Whatever kind of spill(age) is always bad, and if you’re talking about a good alcoholic bever(age), then spill(age) is very very bad indeed.
He he, bever sounds like beaver, which is another word for minge
This competition has gone horribly, horribly wrong.
@ Jacko This competition has gone horribly, horribly wrong.<– this made me LOL!
I think Jacko should run a competition as to how far off topic one can go from an original competition goal.
Do you now? How about I run a comp like the one that I AM ALREADY RUNNING!
Bastards. The lot of ya!
@ Jacko — LMAO!!!!!! It’s so obvious that I’m clearly the winner here! Okay; okay, I’m delusional granted by hey!… =-\
Better with age… wine? cheese? Whiskey? up to a certain age, then the cheese gets ideas of its own. Perving over good looking twenty somethings gets better with age too, as you let go of any ideas that they might respond, and enjoy it as a simple pleasure in its own right. Or is that just me?
love, Once you understand how to love a person then it grows as you age to where just the mention of their name fills you with all the feelings you have for them.
Love…. It’s a motherfucker…
do things get better with age… mmmm well certainly not my mrs have you seen the state of her??
she used to be fine.. titties pert and used to withstand gravity… not any more.
TV programs… all my old favourites like the A team, rainbow ( even tho george was bit of a perv ) you know all those old cartoons every1 over 30 will know and love… gone they are I say again gone! only to be replaced by shite like telly tubbies and cbbc I cant even understand a word they bloody say never mind the kids!
Food… where has things like tripe, good ode spam, and the use of lard.. gone! good old fashion chips made from a home made chip pan… even if they did burn your house down they tasted bloody brilliant!
I could go on and on but with age also comes the abilty to moan like fuck and do you know why cuz I’m old and pissed off that I cant get a hard on any more lol… do things get better with age … do they hell as like!
Shit! Forgot about this. Right, winner gets a signed copy, but we’ll have some runner-up prizes of ebooks, too.
This competition lost the plot!
Runners up who win ebooks.
Josh Meyers! Loved the senility comment. And I hope i remember to have fun with it.
Bryn: Perving! You’re bloody right. The older you get the more uncomfortable that the youngn’s feel about it, too. Plus you get less subtle about it.
Kev: For telling us what sort of nipples he likes???
Guys, mail us at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com and I’ll send you a copy of the ebook.
Winner is….Shadee. I quote: “do things get better with age… mmmm well certainly not my mrs have you seen the state of her?”
“do things get better with age … do they hell”
You know what…I think he’s right.